think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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