Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it glows. i had to have it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
