I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's always time for handjobs
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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