I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
