Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
