it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
