K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
