I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
