I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
