my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
