So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
