The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
