singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
