Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
