I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
