If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
