1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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