A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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