Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
