Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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