I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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