Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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