It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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