it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
