Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
