When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
