apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
