dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
