the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
