if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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