Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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