The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
