The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was confusing and full of hummus
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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