you guys were way drunker than both of me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
