Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
