why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
