the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
