God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Randomize
