how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
