Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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