I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
