Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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