i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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