P.S. I can't hear my feet
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
