my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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