I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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