Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
