I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
