I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
