apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
They have beer where we have blood.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
