Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
