I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
